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09-Dec-2014 18:47

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WAVERLY, VA—Saying the inmates had best listen up and listen good because he wasn’t about to repeat himself, Attorney General Jeff Sessions rattled his baton along a line of prison bars in Sussex 1 State Prison Wednesday as he gave a speech vowing to crack down on violent crime.

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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WASHINGTON—A glint of curiosity in their otherwise lifeless eyes, the American public ghoulishly asked Thursday upon hearing of a recent celebrity death, “Yes, but how did he die?

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CHICAGO—Saying it was crucial to find ways to keep fit even within the confines of her office, local woman Diana Shearer devised her latest delusional scheme Wednesday for burning extra calories during the workday.

WASHINGTON—According to a study released Wednesday by the American Sociological Association, approximately 73 percent of all marble statuettes of the Greek mythological figure Achilles are used to bludgeon a wealthy dowager to death.

TETON COUNTY, WY—In an effort to give more people across the country an opportunity to visit the famous landmark, Yellowstone National Park announced Thursday that it would be putting Old Faithful on a six-month loan to Acadia National Park.

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WASHINGTON—Explaining that the legislation would create major gaps in treatment for tens of millions of people, a new report released Thursday by the American Public Health Association found that anxiety disorders induced by Donald Trump’s presidency will not be covered under the new GOP healthcare bill.

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